Author Topic: Of Swords and Sorcery: Through fire and flames.  (Read 1675 times)

lantzblades

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Of Swords and Sorcery: Through fire and flames.
« on: May 13, 2013, 05:08:22 PM »
Of Swords and Sorcery: Through fire and flames.

The golden king laughs, pulling his false arrow from the boy’s head, and his arrogance begins to pick up steam as the wart tightens her grip on the fairy blade and the blacksmiths draw their identical twin swords.

I am not amused.

The priest and white haired nun move back behind the gold plated warrior, the girl noticeability bothered by the murder that had apparently occured in front of her. The hard continuous clacking against the church's concrete steps draws my attention, caused by the footsteps of the magus killer and the shadow woman as they run to the battle. But, they won’t make it in time.

As I said, I am not amused.

The boy’s body lurches up, already sealing the wound. Human bodies are fragile and awkward, but the boy has been trained and Gilgamesh, so-called king of men, is nothing but a man.

“Were he my son, Saber, he would at least have made it within arm's reach of me. Sadly a faker’s son is a faker as well”, Gilgamesh says, drawing some blade or other from his gate of stolen weapons.

“Actually, that is the wart of Pendragon, Saber is the man in the dark armour at the entrance”, I say, correcting him, as I place my hand on his shoulder.

He whirls around and blood and sparks erupt from the boy’s body as I divert the blade. He opens his worthless maw and I jam my finger and thumb against his temple. I could crush his head in an instant even with the current limits on my power, but I don’t need to. Not when other means work better. A crack forms, starting from the boy’s left eye extending all the way to his right hip, and flames pour from his left palm, engulfing the golden servant.

To the idiot’s credit he does not scream as he burns, not that he could after I'd kicked him in the chest hard enough to send him towards the high ceiling. After another two seconds in the air his ascent ceases. I kick him in the head as he comes down, destroying the priest’s podium and burying the king’s burning form in the wall.

The others are noticeably disturbed but that’s to be expected, the sons of man have fear as a grand equalizer which drives them. Another crack forms on the boy's right leg, I’ll have to finish this now.

Gilgamesh breaks away and lurches up in a rage, snapping his fingers and launching his fake arrows. The heat of my flames shield me and the clashing of metal tells me the crowd is safe.

“MONGEL! HOW DARE YOU STRIKE ME!” he bellows, swinging a golden blade at me.

I catch it, Merodach I think it’s called, the blade of kings or such nonsense. “I do not consider amoeba when I walk”, I reply, back handing him across the face.

“I have bartered with kings, faced heroes, watched civilizations rise and fall, I am he who burns at the end of the world, you are neither king nor hero, I would call you a clown but even the worst clown I respect for his effort to entertain”, I add, the boy’s face twisting into a smug grin. It’s not my intent but it is the closest expression humans can manage to what I feel.

The golden one reaches backward, undoubtedly grasping for his petty rock drill, but he finds that his gate will not open. I open the boy’s right hand, revealing the odd-looking key, and his face twists in fear, rage and horror.

“RETURN THAT, CHILD!” he screams, trying to snatch it. I pull my hand away and strike him again. The boy’s blood begins to leak from the cracks and I do as Gilgamesh had asked, grabbing the back of his head and driving my knee into his face to knock him unconscious, before following it up by jamming the key into his eye.

I turn to the others as the boy’s blood pools around me. “Before you ask, Wart you know who I am, ask the sage more if you care. Shadow child, understand this, you are neither human nor god, do not give into the idolatry. As for you, Archer, we will speak again, when we do I will tell you the truth about the path you took”, I tell them.

The woman, Sakura, furrows her brow in confusion or, perhaps, guilt and the wart nods, sheathing her sword. Archer opens his mouth to ask what I mean, but I cannot answer as the boy’s body is damaged too badly. As I leave his body resumes its lifeless slumber and I return to mine, content that the so-called king of heroes knows fear and perhaps humility. Unlikely, but I’ll settle for shutting his mouth at least.

Arch-Magos Winter

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Re: Of Swords and Sorcery: Through fire and flames.
« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2014, 12:24:52 AM »
OK. Because you apparently want criticism, let me show you what you did wrong.

Quote
The golden king laughs, pulling his false arrow from the boy’s head, and his arrogance begins to pick up steam as the wart tightens her grip on the fairy blade and the blacksmiths draw their identical twin swords.

I am not amused.

The priest and white haired nun move back behind the gold plated warrior, the girl noticeability bothered by the murder that had apparently occured in front of her. The hard continuous clacking against the church's concrete steps draws my attention, caused by the footsteps of the magus killer and the shadow woman as they run to the battle. But, they won’t make it in time.

As I said, I am not amused.
...I, within the first two sentences, have no idea what is going on. This problem is never rectified. Without knowing what I did learn later on from statements that weren't even in the story itself, this whole thing wouldn't make sense. As is, it still doesn't make sense. Now let me get to why this doesn't work.

The whole first sentence is a run on. I have no idea who any of the characters stated here are. I can infer some of them, but the Kid? I have no idea who this character is. But this still doesn't make sense. Why is he calling it a false arrow instead of well, a different type of weapon. Like, a spear or an axe or whatever else. I don't know what the fuck a false arrow is, and neither does the audience. 

The statement from the perspective of the narrator is... well, nonsensical. If it had come first, then we'd have had some contrast, and interest from the audience. Else, it's telling not showing.

This problem continues through this whole first bit. The grammar is as well, totally atrocious. This problem like the first problem I had with this fic, continues throughout and was WORSE until you deleted it and reposted it four times when people tore it to shreds much better than I'm doing at the moment.

Quote
The boy’s body lurches up, already sealing the wound. Human bodies are fragile and awkward, but the boy has been trained and Gilgamesh, so-called king of men, is nothing but a man.

“Were he my son, Saber, he would at least have made it within arm's reach of me. Sadly a faker’s son is a faker as well”, Gilgamesh says, drawing some blade or other from his gate of stolen weapons.

“Actually, that is the wart of Pendragon, Saber is the man in the dark armour at the entrance”, I say, correcting him, as I place my hand on his shoulder.

He whirls around and blood and sparks erupt from the boy’s body as I divert the blade. He opens his worthless maw and I jam my finger and thumb against his temple. I could crush his head in an instant even with the current limits on my power, but I don’t need to. Not when other means work better. A crack forms, starting from the boy’s left eye extending all the way to his right hip, and flames pour from his left palm, engulfing the golden servant.
Again, I don't have context. I don't know anything about the narrator or why the boy is still mentioned. All I know is that he's apparently Saber's son somehow. That's it. That's all I have to go on, and for any reader that isn't enough.

For that matter, Gilgamesh actually owns all his arsenal. It isn't stolen. Don't bash characters just because they want to rape your waifu. Gilgamesh might be a rather horrible person from a modern perspective, but in the morality of his own time he's pretty damn well in the right. This gross mischaracterization of the character doesn't stop happening throughout all of this. It actually gets worse as we go along.

Basically, this isn't well written for an action scene at all. I have no idea how a finger and thumb could crush his skull. That whole move made no sense. For my own sanity I'm going to have to stop nitpicking every little error.
Quote
To the idiot’s credit he does not scream as he burns, not that he could after I'd kicked him in the chest hard enough to send him towards the high ceiling. After another two seconds in the air his ascent ceases. I kick him in the head as he comes down, destroying the priest’s podium and burying the king’s burning form in the wall.

The others are noticeably disturbed but that’s to be expected, the sons of man have fear as a grand equalizer which drives them. Another crack forms on the boy's right leg, I’ll have to finish this now.

Gilgamesh breaks away and lurches up in a rage, snapping his fingers and launching his fake arrows. The heat of my flames shield me and the clashing of metal tells me the crowd is safe.

“MONGEL! HOW DARE YOU STRIKE ME!” he bellows, swinging a golden blade at me.

I catch it, Merodach I think it’s called, the blade of kings or such nonsense. “I do not consider amoeba when I walk”, I reply, back handing him across the face.

“I have bartered with kings, faced heroes, watched civilizations rise and fall, I am he who burns at the end of the world, you are neither king nor hero, I would call you a clown but even the worst clown I respect for his effort to entertain”, I add, the boy’s face twisting into a smug grin. It’s not my intent but it is the closest expression humans can manage to what I feel.
Still the same errors. Still the same mutilation of the character. A totally awful one liner that doesn't make sense. It should be "an ant" because that's far better and makes more sense. For that matter, false arrows. Stop using that. It doesn't make sense and stinks of lazy writing. Be descriptive, don't just say this.

Quote
The golden one reaches backward, undoubtedly grasping for his petty rock drill, but he finds that his gate will not open. I open the boy’s right hand, revealing the odd-looking key, and his face twists in fear, rage and horror.

“RETURN THAT, CHILD!” he screams, trying to snatch it. I pull my hand away and strike him again. The boy’s blood begins to leak from the cracks and I do as Gilgamesh had asked, grabbing the back of his head and driving my knee into his face to knock him unconscious, before following it up by jamming the key into his eye.

I turn to the others as the boy’s blood pools around me. “Before you ask, Wart you know who I am, ask the sage more if you care. Shadow child, understand this, you are neither human nor god, do not give into the idolatry. As for you, Archer, we will speak again, when we do I will tell you the truth about the path you took”, I tell them.

The woman, Sakura, furrows her brow in confusion or, perhaps, guilt and the wart nods, sheathing her sword. Archer opens his mouth to ask what I mean, but I cannot answer as the boy’s body is damaged too badly. As I leave his body resumes its lifeless slumber and I return to mine, content that the so-called king of heroes knows fear and perhaps humility. Unlikely, but I’ll settle for shutting his mouth at least.
...What.

OK, this is a fucking mischaracterization on Gilgamesh's part, but honestly as bad as you have been about it so far I can't say I'm surprised. He would have used Enkidu at this point, serioused up, and then beat the poor sod to death or speared him with the rest of his arsenal. It's simple as that.

I still have no idea who the narrator is or why the boy is still mentioned, so I'm still as lost as when I went in as when I came out. Rather impressive for as short a fic as this is.

All the problems from earlier are still there.

tl;dr: This needs a load of work to simply become readable let alone half decent.

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Re: Of Swords and Sorcery: Through fire and flames.
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2014, 05:04:27 AM »
stop writing
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Re: Of Swords and Sorcery: Through fire and flames.
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2014, 02:07:54 PM »
Calling anything in the treasury of the King false? Some faker must be butthurt.