Allright Break there is a great, great deal wrong with your sheet. in a word, it’s shit. Total and complete garbage. The only thing that is okay about the sheet is the name and appearance sections. But don’t worry, I’m gonna tell you exactly.
Ok, so, first off, there are immense issues with spelling and grammar. Countless sentences aren’t capitalized, and there are several misspelled words throughout.
Race: human/homunculus
What does this mean? The way you’ve described it in the origin is just a normal homunculi, really. If there’s a significant difference, you need to explain how and why, preferrably in other abilities.
Physical attributes
Strength: Human
Agility: exceptional
constitution: exceptional
magic scale: Extremely high
You need to capitalize the stat names exceptional. But more importantly, literally nothing he has justifies an Extremely High rank in magic. That’s reserved for the best of the best, the most ridiculous of the most ridiculous, people who had ridiculously powerful magic and are also ridiculously versatile. You need to rethink the rank you gave him.
Other abilities:
Deduction: the innate talent of the "detective" made manifest and honed over many supernatural and mundane cases, the ability to think outside of the box and solve seemingly unsolvable crimes. Somewhat lessened in the case of mundane crimes due to a magus' common sense.
This is really really awkward. Does it just mean he’s a detective?
Magic Crest: the magic crest of his family, allowing for the use of spells his forefathers devised with relative ease; the Vogelsang family mainly focused on focusing the three elements of cold, wind and fire in tangible shapes; mainly finds use in elemental spears or walls, conjuring elemental "armor" was the ultimate goal of his family's magic research.
Magic: instead of continuing his family's research on elemental magic, Evan himself specialised in high-level structural magic, including an unusual expertise in structural analysis, which he can use to pick locks or find irregularities. He is also able to analyze living bodies, allowing him to determine many truths about others.
Aside from that, he knows the standard spells like strengthening and repair, as well as pure mana explosions.
Why is this under other abilities? It’s explicitly his magic, and thusly should be put underneath the magic abilities section. Also what kind of element is cold?
equipment: Evan owns a quite peculiar Mystic Code, a mysterious trinket he picked up during one of his earliest cases and subsequently modified to be his personal mystic code: the "Nadel des Schmerzes", a syringe's needle that used to belong to one peculiar criminal; even without a syringe, it can inject several kinds of venom, drugs and even magic extracts that can cause various effects.
It can also be used to inject a magic "doping", that way turning a non-fighter like Evan into an extremely fast berserker; this doping, however, causes great pain to the subject and uses up their prana extremely fast.
You need to elaborate a great deal more. What the fuck is magic doping? How is it normal from normal doping? What stats does it raise him to? What are some of the effects of the syringe? Etcetera.
Origin:Evan is the result of a regressing magus family secretly resorting to alchemistical means to "revitalize" their bloodline; using a homunculus surrogate mother, Evan can be described as a Magus' version of a designer child.
As a result of that, his magic potential is unusually high; as his body houses the homunculus-typical amount of high-quality magic circuits as well as his family's magic crest, allowing him to use a plethora of spells with ease.
He spent years at the Clock Tower at the behest of his family, however he was always more interested in solving riddles than in studying magic; again and again, he would descent into the bowels of London, follow his "game" of detective; sometimes he'd be gone for weeks before returning to the Clock Tower.
Eventually, he decided to truly specialize in the field and became an Enforcer of the Magus association, while freelancing as "magic detective" whenever he was'nt called upon.
There are quite a few spelling errors in this, and could use a great deal more fluffing out. This section is there so people can get to know and understand your character a bit, and I don’t really know anything about him other than the absolute barest of bones.
weakness:as a beeing close to homunculi, he is very reliant on his mana; while a high mana pool is a given, should it be endangered, so would his life.
He is also very reliant on his Mystic code when fighting, as he is physically very weak without it
Furthermore, despite his appearance, he is quite weak to women.
How is he physically shit if he’s on par with olympic athletes?
likes: interesting cases, cute girls, punk rock, seafood
dislikes: heat, licorice
You could add a few more to both likes and dislikes.
Overall, the entire sheet is extremely barebones and would greatly benefit from the addition of a great deal of clarification, along with the other noted issues.
