(i'll answer any of the mechanical questions in Lantzs fanfiction round up, this is a lemon parody, none of the characters are spot on to canon as I believe none of them would jump into bed casually)
of flesh and fantasy.
At noon I finish my shower and, once dressed, step into the kitchen. Unusually, I find it to be empty. Checking the chore board, I see a hastily scribbled notice about the church, Kirei and something about a mirage, no wait marriage. A marriage between myself and... a question mark, the words "to be decided" circled beside it.
Wait, what?!
I lock up the house and haul ass on my bike to the church. The world blurs around me into grey, black and brown as I speed up, and then wreck the tires from the hard stop. I barely manage to place the bike neatly at the side of the church before marching inside.
At first I want to start screaming, but the sight inside shuts me up immediately. Nine women in white dresses, all clearly for a wedding. My Aunt Sakura, Rin’s daughter Sakura, Sakura’s daughter Tsukasa, Rider, Caster, Aoko, Touko, Caren and Arcuied Brunstud.
“Welcome, Emiya Satoshi”, Kirei’s voice booms standing at back of the chapel. “It has been decided that, from the candidates here you must decide whom to marry. Monogamy and polygamy are supported in Fuyuki and by this church”, he says.
Archer and Rin are here, as is Gilgamesh. Marriage strangeness aside, and it is VERY strange, Gilgamesh being in the same room as Archer without a fight is- well it never happens! I need to figure a way out of this, but I need a few minutes to figure it out.
“Uh, so, if I marry you, what will I gain? Callous as a question but, since I’m on the spot, I might as well know your intentions as a partner for me.” I ask, an awkward question both in phrasing and intent but I need to get them talking.
Arcuied stands back, looks like she’s interesting in hearing the others' offers. Caren steps forward first, unexpected but, OK, I’m a little interested.
“I shall keep you in my prayers always and love you for as long as I live”, she says. The others chuckle in response until she clears her throat and speaks again. “And, you shall never again hear my father’s speeches or Gilgamesh’s advances on your mother, or attacks or pranks”, she finishes her offer.
The others get noticeably paler. Caren certainly came out strong, two-hundred points in my book.
Sakura, my half-sister, steps forward next. “The second magic, we have it now. I know how you feel about saving people, so…”, she says shyly.
I’ll admit she’s right, not just saving one world but dozens or hundreds is appealing. But, the truth is that that isn’t my reason for fighting bad guys. I’d give her one-fifty points for that offer. I’m not buying it because this whole thing is certainly caused by magic but, still....
Touko steps forward. Like Aoko-sensei, she’s a redhead, although I’m not sure it’s natural. “Me”, she says. Simple, but I can’t help but think it’s only to piss off Sensei. Zero points.
The windows are close enough to escape, but I think that would be expected.
Tsukasa steps forward. “Um, my body is transient and I can use my shadows for housekeeping”, she says. Her voice is wobbly and unsure, likely she’s resisting the spell here, that’s good. As for her offer, negative fifty points, her willingness to change herself is just excessive.
Caster steps up. “I’ll be by your side forever”, she says. It’s fairly typical but coming from Caster, given her dream and life, it means a lot. Five hundred points.
Now that I think about it running is a terrible idea, there’s no way I’d get away.
Rider fidgets and steps forward, her face glowing red. “L-love is not something simple, I can’t say I have anything to offer, except myself”, she says, struggling to look at me. OK, clearly I’m the target of the spell, Rider is cursed, if a spell is going to affect her like this I have to be the primary target.
Who would want to make these admittedly sexy women marry me? I don’t get the intent.
Sakura, Rin’s sister, steps up. “You get me, Rider and Tsukasa, and on top of that I have Tsukasa’s abilities and much more experience”, she says. Her voice is thick with lust but I have to admit her offer is a bit cheap. Zero points.
Arcuied smiles. The Princess, complete with haunting beauty and a fantastic figure filling out her dress, steps forward. “The world“, she says. Wow, just wow. A thousand points.
Aoko smiles. “I’mma buy you a fez”, she says, the others chuckle. “Fezzes are cool”, she finishes.
FUU-
DAMN IT! Fifty thousand points, everyone go home, we have a winner!
“Well OK, the problem is, ladies, that my parents and my little sister need to approve of you. So, you’ll need to get them to sign a notice showing me they approve before I chose”, I say.
They all nod happily and almost knock me over as they rush out of the chapel. Left with only Kirei and Gilgamesh I turn and leave without a word.
1) Go to Ryudou temple.
2) Head to the library.
3) Head into the new part of town.
4) Go to mordred’s place.
