Fate/Refraction

[Tyrnek]

Just googled "Shirou high jump" and voila. Herp derp, I am el stupido. Rewriting now.


As to your other point, the chapter's not over yet. That idea picks up considerable momentum at exactly the wrong time.

Spoiler for Hiden:

Plus, Caster probably doesn't want to admit to herself that the kid she was shooting at could possibly be Shirou. At least, not initially.

[Cherry Lover]

Just googled "Shirou high jump" and voila. Herp derp, I am el stupido. Rewriting now.

Ah, OK.

As to your other point, the chapter's not over yet. That idea picks up considerable momentum at exactly the wrong time.

Spoiler for Hiden:

Plus, Caster probably doesn't want to admit to herself that the kid she was shooting at could possibly be Shirou. At least, not initially.

Yeah, I guess that makes sense....

[Tyrnek]

Chapter 4 updated. It's still really, really rough, but at least you know who Caster is now.

I think it's too melodramatic, but idk.

[Tyrnek]

Just realized I made some errors when it comes to the timing of the events on 2/2 (I don't think it takes 8 or so hours to clean the archery dojo, lol). Will fix with a rewrite.

[Cherry Lover]

Yeah, I think that's a bit of a stretch....

I've read the story briefly, but I'll go through it in more detail tomorrow, hopefully.

[Tyrnek]

Chapter updated with rewrite. I don't know how accurate the manga adaptation is, but it seems that Sakura and Taiga were still able to come over for dinner after all the shit that had already happened. This has been accounted for.

[Tyrnek]

Servant Sheets

Caster:

Spoiler for Hiden:

Caster / PRISM Sakura
 
 
Master:  Matou Sakura
 
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
 
Elemental Affinities: Imaginary Numbers
 
 
Stats:
 
Strength:  E+
 
Endurance:  D+
 
Agility:  D+
 
Mana:  EX
 
Luck: C-
 
Noble Phantasm: B
 
 
Class Skills:
 
Item Construction:  C+
 
Territory Creation:  D
 

Personal Skills:
 
Conceptual Integrator: A – Capable of uniting many disparate ideas to achieve a single goal. As a necessary requirement, Caster is capable of using many skills and self-enhancements at Rank D or above, as a result of the knowledge she gained over her lifetime.

Different from Expert of Many Specializations because, well, she technically isn’t.
 
Self-Separation: B – The ability to split one’s mind and/or soul into distinct parts. At this level, it is possible for Caster to split her mind and soul to create semi-autonomous beings, though reintegration will be painful and inefficient, resulting in a net loss of mental and astral integrity.
 
Independent Action:  EX – Can remain in world indefinitely due to huge mana reserves from being the previous Grail host.
 
 
Noble Phantasms:
 
Spektrum
Rank: B
Type: Support
Description: Caster’s cloak, a strange Mystic Code/semi-familiar thing which acts as an extension of her soul. Contains numerous magic circuits and other functionality allowing it to serve as – among other things – an alchemical/projection engine, database, storage area, another vector from which Caster can cast spells, living space, and conscience(?). An impressive fusion of the knowledge Caster accumulated in her lifetime.
 
Used to be called Spiegel, but it hated that name.
 
Licht
Rank: B –
Type: Anti-unit/???
Range:
Maximum Targets: 28?
Description: Another bastard creation of Caster that is versatile, covert, and (mostly) harmless to herself.

Assassin:

Spoiler for Hiden:

Assassin /
 
 
Master: (Hasn't been summoned yet.)
 
Alignment:
 
 
Stats:
 
Strength: 
 
Endurance: 

Agility: 
 
Mana: 
 
Luck: 
 
Noble Phantasm: 
 
 
Class Skills:
 
Presence Concealment: 
 
 
Personal Skills:
 
: 

: 

: 

:  n/a
 
 
Noble Phantasms:
 

Rank:
Type:
Description:
 

Rank:
Type:
Description:

False Assassin:

Spoiler for Hiden:

False Assassin /
 
 
Master: (Hasn't been summoned yet.)
 
Alignment:
 
Elemental Affinities:
 
 
Stats:
 
Strength: 
 
Endurance: 
 
Agility: 
 
Mana: 
 
Luck: 
 
Noble Phantasm: 
 
 
Personal Skills:
 
:
 
: 
 
: 
 
 
Noble Phantasms:
 

Rank:
Type:
Description:


Rank:
Type:
Description:
 

Rank:
Type:
Description:

[Cherry Lover]

OK, I've finally got around to reading through it in more detail. The general concept is fine, and it's definitely getting interesting, now that Caster's plans have gone completely up the swanny. I'm also interested to see how Sakura ended up as Caster....

I do have a few comments, though, mostly typos or things I didn't understand.

Firstly, III A mentions a psychopathic comment to Lancer, but I can't work out what comment you mean.

Secondly, Caster's reasoning for continuing to attack Shirou even after he's down seems really quite odd. She really has no reason to kill him at that point (even not knowing he is Shirou), since the Geas is done and he's no danger to her. It just seems like it's a bit contrived.

Thirdly, you talk about "explosively-unlocked gates"? Do you mean Caster's shot blew them open? If so, then how did it not kill Shirou if he was heading for the door?

Fourth, where you say "She couldn’t faults his choice", it should be "couldn't fault his choice".

Fifthly, what does "opalescent" mean?

Similarly, "newborn darkness" doesn't make sense, really.

Also, where you say "she wasn’t surprised that he had just survived two miniature, arrow-mounted claymores at point blank. ", it should be point blank range.

Also, I think there's something slightly wrong with (normal) Sakura's characterisation. In her flashback, you make it out as if she thought if she hung around Shirou long enough, he would fall in love with her. In reality, that's not true. Sakura never expected Shirou to fall for her, she has too low self-esteem for that. Further, she didn't even want him to, at least on a rational level, because she knew that it would put him in serious danger due to Zouken. Ultimately, she was just happy to be with him at all. Even if emotionally she would have liked to be something more, she never expected it and she believed it wouldn't be good for him if it happened. She certainly didn't "wish" for it, at least not in the sense of actively desiring it to happen.

Finally, another typo. Where you say "with only a crater in the floor being proof that Emiya Shirou had ever existed", it should be "as proof".

[Tyrnek]

Thanks for the typo corrections.

The psychopathic comment refers to the one she made about "cleaning up", at the end of Chapter 3.

When she missed, she missed really wide, and the arrow hit the gates when Shirou was still far enough away from them so that the blast couldn't reach him. Also, I should probably mention that these particular arrows, not being dedicated explosives, don't actually give that big of a boom. It's more a self-destruct thing so that it can't be used against her.

"Opalescent" means "reflecting an iridescent light" according to Merriam-Webster, but I guess I could just change it to "iridescent".

"Newborn" as in "new"... it makes sense in the context of the later parts of the chapter.

Good catch about Sakura's characterization, which makes a lot of sense. Ugh, I really need to go over an LP of HF or something.

As for the reasoning for continuing the attack, I admit that I find it contrived as well, and haven't thought up a better reason. It's probably due to an unholy mix of stress, fatigue, and insanity (and possibly some outside factors as well).

[Cherry Lover]

The psychopathic comment refers to the one she made about "cleaning up", at the end of Chapter 3.

Ah, OK.

When she missed, she missed really wide, and the arrow hit the gates when Shirou was still far enough away from them so that the blast couldn't reach him. Also, I should probably mention that these particular arrows, not being dedicated explosives, don't actually give that big of a boom. It's more a self-destruct thing so that it can't be used against her.

Ah, I see.

"Opalescent" means "reflecting an iridescent light" according to Merriam-Webster, but I guess I could just change it to "iridescent".

That would probably be better, yeah. I've never heard of the word before, and I am a Physicist....

"Newborn" as in "new"... it makes sense in the context of the later parts of the chapter.

Ah, OK, fair enough.

Good catch about Sakura's characterization, which makes a lot of sense. Ugh, I really need to go over an LP of HF or something.

Hmm, you've not played HF? I'm impressed you can manage to get even close to Sakura's true characterisation....

As for the reasoning for continuing the attack, I admit that I find it contrived as well, and haven't thought up a better reason. It's probably due to an unholy mix of stress, fatigue, and insanity (and possibly some outside factors as well).

Yeah, that's kind-of what I suspected, honestly. It's obviously necessary for the story to continue, but there's not much of an in-story justification for it, so you just did the best you could manage....

[Tyrnek]

Oh, I've played HF. It was just a long time ago.

The justification of "the plot requires it" doesn't sit well with me... and I've just thought of a much better justification. Yay! Rewrite time.

Also, I'm this close to finishing the chapter. Whole thing will be up soon.

[Cherry Lover]

Oh, I've played HF. It was just a long time ago.

Ah, OK.

Well, It's been quite a while for me, too, honestly. I really need to replay it (and the rest of FSN) again.

The justification of "the plot requires it" doesn't sit well with me... and I've just thought of a much better justification. Yay! Rewrite time.

Yeah, I don't like it either, but I don't really have an alternative. It's good that you thought of something, though....

Also, I'm this close to finishing the chapter. Whole thing will be up soon.

Oh? I thought it was already finished....

[Tyrnek]

Heh heh. Nope. I still have a couple of things left up my sleeve for this.

Okay, the justification's not that much better, but at least it adds more credibility to the "impossibility" reasoning.

[Tyrnek]

Probably the last beta draft for Chapter 4 up now, post #26.

[Tyrnek]

... and  now I feel the chapter's much too long. I've cut out some words to make it more concise, as well as use my original ending point. The rest of the text will go towards Chapter 5.