Author Topic: Fate/Sacrifice  (Read 4766 times)

Cherry Lover

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Fate/Sacrifice
« on: November 02, 2013, 05:51:43 PM »
A disembodied voice comes out of the darkness.

“Do you understand the consequences of making this deal?”

Kariya is dreaming again. The same dream he has had every night since the war began. A sad dream, of a sacrifice made on behalf of a girl he doesn't know.

“Yes, I understand”, the man – his servant – replies.

“And you still wish to go through with it?”

He hears the disembodied voice again.

“Yes, I do”, his servant replies, “I want her to be happy. She deserves a chance to live a happy life”

“Very well then, we have a deal”

As the voice says this, he sees a young woman, who looks oddly familiar. She appears to be in pain, but is smiling anyway, seemingly for the first time in a long while.

Suddenly, Kariya awakens from his dream, pain shooting through his body.

“Aaaaaaaaargh!!!”

He screams in agony. As he screams, he recalls a memory, the cause of his current suffering.

“Then, Let’s begin the preparations without delay. We will finish the treatment immediately. If you want to reconsider, do it right now.”

He had merely nodded his head. Any possibility of saving himself had been lost at that moment.

Briefly, he feels regret.

“How could I be so stupid?” he thinks, “throwing away my life for a one in a million chance of saving...”

And he stops himself mid-thought, as he remembers why he is fighting. A memory of watching a happy, black-haired, four-year-old girl, playing in the park with her mother and older sister.

“Stop it, Nee-san!”, she says, laughing. “MUM!”

Her mother comes running over. He thinks of her too. Zenjou – no, Tohsaka – Aoi. His childhood friend and true love. He feels another pang of regret. If only he had been stronger, if only he had pursued her first, then none of this would have happened.

His memories return to the girl. Now a year older, and changed beyond all belief. Once a happy, outgoing, black-haired girl, a year of his treatment had left her totally broken and in constant agony, with unnatural purple hair and eyes. He alone amongst living people had some idea of what she had been through. After all, he had been put through it himself.

He breaks down in tears, his sadness and sorrow for her matched only by his hatred of them. When he started this war, his only aim was to get the Grail, to save her the only way that he could. However, his servant was reluctant to fight for it, reluctant to give it to Zouken. It was almost as if his servant knew how evil that old man was. He begins to wonder if there is another way...

He thinks back to what he had been told about the war, when he was being “trained”. He was told that, in the absence of a catalyst, a master would summon a servant with a similar personality to their own, with similar aims and goals. Further, they would have a link to each other. They would be able to see each others memories, and feel each others feelings to a certain extent.

He begins to think about Berserker. “Similar aims and goals”, Zouken had said. The dreams made sense now. They were similar. They had both sacrificed themselves for a girl. He thinks back to the dream, the strangely familiar girl that he saw. He cannot think who she is. He begins to drift back to sleep, the pain gone.

As his drifts off, he begins to wonder about his servant, about the girl he sacrificed himself for.

I wonder, was his sacrifice worth the cost?

Then he thinks, "was mine?"

He realises that the last question is as yet unanswered. His actions in this war will determine it. So, he thinks back to the first question, back to the girl. The strangely familiar girl. Who is she? He only got a glimpse of her, not enough to tell. He begins to think again. He wonders what her life was like.

What happened to her, to force him to make this deal?

Was she as worthy of his servant's sacrifice as Sakura was of his?

Did he get his wish, did they live happily together?

Ultimately, was it worth it?


He thinks back to his earlier two questions. He knows that the answer to the second is not yet known. However, in his mind, the answer to the first question is already determined, the scenario having played itself out long ago in some far-away land.

He makes his mind up. He will ask his servant about his life tomorrow. He will ask him the answer to the first question, and will ask him if he can help set the answer to the second one.

He drifts off to sleep, not yet realising how closely connected the answers really are....




OK, this is a fic I started a long time ago (it's the reason I went to BL in the first place) but never got around to finishing. I thought I'd resurrect it and try to get it done (although this chapter I wrote a long way back).

What does everyone think of it? Is it good?
« Last Edit: November 02, 2013, 11:55:30 PM by Cherry Lover »

lantzblades

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Re: Fate/Sacrifice
« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2013, 06:13:37 PM »
It's not bad, technically like any older work it could use a few touch ups but I can't speak to the story as I find zero rather distasteful for several reasons.

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Re: Fate/Sacrifice
« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2013, 06:19:58 PM »
I like it. The part at the end where he wants to talk to berserker makes me tilt my head (berserker says graah), but Kariya isn't exactly in the best state of mind, so it's k and my head returned to a straight position.

I like the comparison between Lancelot and Kariya, and it made me think: Lancelot wants to serve king and country, but his baser desire takes him to the queen. Kariya wants to save a little girl from suffering, but deep down he wants Aoi to love him for it.

Rationality makes them want to do the right thing, but their baser desires misguide them. Lancelot into the first steps that led the country to ruin, and Kariya into fighting against Tokiomi with reckless abandonment and killing Aoi, both of them integral to the whole "Get Sakura back to her family" thing. They worked against themselves. (And yeah Kariya was practically being tortured, but the comparison still fits)

It's rather tragic, but those two share a very similar story and development throughout. Zouken used a catalyst apparently, but if he hadn't Kariya might have summoned the same guy anyway.

These two really deserve a break.

Wow this progressed into me thinking and making a serious comparison between the two. I'm on lunch break, stop making me think about things.

Cherry Lover

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Re: Fate/Sacrifice
« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2013, 06:39:26 PM »
It's not bad, technically like any older work it could use a few touch ups but I can't speak to the story as I find zero rather distasteful for several reasons.

Well, like what?

I like it. The part at the end where he wants to talk to berserker makes me tilt my head (berserker says graah), but Kariya isn't exactly in the best state of mind, so it's k and my head returned to a straight position.

There's an explanation for that. It also relies on the assumption that Mad Enhancement can be turned off, which is necessary for the story to work in any way and, thus, something I will go with regardless of anything Nasu might have said on the matter in Side Material books (I don't remember ever coming to any conclusion on that).

Quote
I like the comparison between Lancelot and Kariya, and it made me think: Lancelot wants to serve king and country, but his baser desire takes him to the queen. Kariya wants to save a little girl from suffering, but deep down he wants Aoi to love him for it.

It's not Lancelot....

Anyway, I edited it slightly to add in italics that got lost in copying it over from my word file.
« Last Edit: November 02, 2013, 06:43:40 PM by Cherry Lover »

Xamusel

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Re: Fate/Sacrifice
« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2013, 06:43:11 PM »
It's not Lancelot?

I think it's a different figure of legend from a different mythos, then, right?

Cherry Lover

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Re: Fate/Sacrifice
« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2013, 06:55:02 PM »
His identity will be revealed later.

lantzblades

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Re: Fate/Sacrifice
« Reply #6 on: November 02, 2013, 06:57:36 PM »
The way a number of heroes talk down to saber when frankly given their histories they are complete scum for saying anything to Saber as if they are or know better and the author treats them as in the right. The fan girls thinking Gilgamesh is anything but a monster and taking Lancelot and turning him into berserker thus killing his character.

Cherry Lover

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Re: Fate/Sacrifice
« Reply #7 on: November 02, 2013, 07:02:30 PM »
I was asking what touch-ups the fic needs, not why you dislike Zero....

lantzblades

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Re: Fate/Sacrifice
« Reply #8 on: November 02, 2013, 10:29:58 PM »
Generally format. You've clearly become better since the point when you first wrote this that's what I mean.

Cherry Lover

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Re: Fate/Sacrifice
« Reply #9 on: November 02, 2013, 10:40:45 PM »
Yeah, quite possibly.

Some more details on what exactly you mean would be good, though.

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Re: Fate/Sacrifice
« Reply #10 on: November 02, 2013, 11:34:53 PM »
Hmm, while sadly I don't think the overall premise will hold my interest much since I'm not overly fond of Kariya, and he will be playing an enormous role here, this is a nice intro. :)

Though there's just a couple nitpicks I have- there should be a new paragraph starting with the sentence, "He breaks down in tears, his sadness and sorrow... etc." Nitpicky thing number two is that in that same sentence I just mentioned, "sadness" should probably be nixed completely since "sorrow" conveys the same thing just fine, so it's a bit redundant.

Also, there's some periods missing at the beginning. Is that a stylistic choice? It's just fine if it is, I just want to make sure that's what it is and not an error having the file transfer over.

Otherwise, you did fine. :)
« Last Edit: November 02, 2013, 11:37:15 PM by Alice »

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Cherry Lover

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Re: Fate/Sacrifice
« Reply #11 on: November 02, 2013, 11:42:00 PM »
Hmm, while sadly I don't think the overall premise will hold my interest much since I'm not overly fond of Kariya, and he will be playing an enormous role here, this is a nice intro. :)

Well, Kariya is an important character but, honestly, Berserker is the main character, and he's someone you might well like.

Quote
Though there's just a couple nitpicks I have- there should be a new paragraph starting with the sentence, "He breaks down in tears, his sadness and sorrow... etc." Nitpicky thing number two is that in that same sentence I just mentioned, "sadness" should probably be nixed completely since "sorrow" conveys the same thing just fine, so it's a bit redundant.

Hmm, OK, I'll take a look at that.

*Edit* Having looked at it, it's "sadness" and "sorrow for her", so they're two different things. One is referring to his own sadness, the other is referring to him feeling sorry for Sakura.

Quote
Also, there's some periods missing at the beginning. Is that a stylistic choice? It's just fine if it is, I just want to make sure that's what it is and not an error having the file transfer over.

It was intentional, but I can't honestly remember why I did that now. I think changing it might be wise....
« Last Edit: November 02, 2013, 11:48:34 PM by Cherry Lover »

lantzblades

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Re: Fate/Sacrifice
« Reply #12 on: November 02, 2013, 11:59:47 PM »
This goes for all fan fiction mine included. Fate something is cheesy and overused  as far as titles go.

Cherry Lover

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Re: Fate/Sacrifice
« Reply #13 on: November 03, 2013, 12:05:20 AM »
This goes for all fan fiction mine included. Fate something is cheesy and overused  as far as titles go.

Perhaps, but I suck at titles....

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Re: Fate/Sacrifice
« Reply #14 on: November 03, 2013, 03:53:49 AM »
It's not Lancelot....

Anyway, I edited it slightly to add in italics that got lost in copying it over from my word file.
Oh, oops. I mean, I was reading fast while on break, I read he gave his all for a woman, it was Kariya's servant, it was berserker... it sort of seemed to fit.

Well, this is embarrassing. And I got all comparison-y and everything.