TheUnknownHero, your latest Shirou post is frankly, completely and unabashedly terrible. There are multiple egregious grammar and typographical errors, none of Shirou’s actions make any sense in the slightest, you spastically switched between past and present tense in the middle of sentences, and it’s glaringly evident that you really didn’t read most, if any, of the preceding posts with any level of care.
The mysterious helmet informs the boy of the obviously that this place was indeed Matou Sakura's house but also told him a little bit about the nature of the Nexus. Just as helmet was about to reveal it's name to Shirou it paused for a second. The boy looked at the helmet confused as to what it was thinking when it finally responded by asking Rider what was happening. Rider responded by saying she wasn't sure but that she was going to check it out. Since it looked like Sakura could be in danger the boy's concern quickly shifted to her.
This entire paragraph is of exceptionally poor quality, but the first sentence in particular is notably worse. First off, the word
obviously is an adverb, meaning it modifies another word and as a result, can not be used on its own as you have here. However, even ignoring this, the sentence has other big issues as well. It’s a massive run on sentence, and would greatly benefit from the addition of strategically placed commas and/or splitting it into multiple sentences altogether.
In this paragraph, Shirou is acting out of character in the extreme. Sakura was making an absurd amount of noise, which you’d have known had you read the relevant post of hers.
Sakura dropped what she was doing and ran down the stairs with a rage and terror akin to that of a cornered animal. [...] “No!” She yelled. [...] as she tore down the stairs to the hidden basement. [...] she therefore darted around the corner and into the dark penetralia of the house without a second thought.
“Who!” She yelled at the intruder with acrimony, true malice filling her entire being.
Any of these should have been enough to warrent a serious reaction on its own, let alone all of them combined. However instead of reacting, or even noticing such clearly abnormal behavior from Sakura, Shirou didn’t even make note of anything out of the ordinary until Vanguard reacted and Rider
left to go investigate. He was actually confused as to why Vanguard had stopped talking instead!
The boy then rushes toward the woman he loves to check if she is okay. As he approaches her, he noticed Rider and Rin were with her along with someone who looked similar to him.
"Hey is everyone alright, I take it that person who looks like me is who all the commotion is about."
The boy was rather ammused by the idea that he'd meet two versions of himself in this crazy world in one day.
FIrst off, they’re in the former wormpit, which has been since converted to a basement, and is also nearly pitch black inside, which makes me question how in the world he managed to see anything but maybe Rin or Rider. Sakura didn’t realize it was Mike’s Shirou who had been captured until she was right up next to him, and Rin reinforced her eyes. You should have known both of these facts had you even skimmed any of the relevant posts, which is important when you write a response.
And again, I question why Shirou is so calm about meeting another version of himself. I had issues with this back when he met Kaze’s Shirou as well, and now regret not bringing them up then. I think people would generally be surprised at meeting an alternate version of themselves, and most definitely wouldn’t expect a response such as this, where he just totally brushes over this entire situation.
More importantly, however, this is really just part of a bigger problem with your role-playing of Shirou. He’s been incredibly passive, numb even, in just about every single situation he’s been in so far. Nothing seems to faze him excluding that one time he made an off comment about Angra Mainyu while Sakura was trying to take Kaze’s Shirou into protective custody. Every other time, he’s taken all the strangeness in stride without even a hint of faltering.
Finally, and this is omnipresent in the post, you switched between the present and past tenses at random, which is something that should not be done in any circumstances. It makes it extremely difficult to read and makes everything extremely confusing. Even switching between sentences is considered very poor form, and you’ve neurotically gone back and forth almost every other verb.
If you’re going to participate in this RP, you should
at least put in the minimum amount of effort into your posts. If you can’t even be bothered to read the relevant posts, you’re really just wasting both your and everyone involved’s time. I think you need to completely rewrite the post from the ground up, this time after you read the posts leading up to it and making Shirou act significantly more in character. As it is now, it's simply just absolutely worthless, and actively harms the role-playing experience of everyone else involved.
